This poem was written before undergoing radiation therapy, and dwells on the unknowns of the process.

This poem called RADIOTHERAPY ANTICIPATED is one of the poems in the cancer poems section of the Genghis Lotus Poetry Collection which is hosted at two locations, genghislotus.com and zenvirus.com/genghislotus/.

This poem is by Hugh Cook, author of the medical memoir Cancer Patient, the full text of which is available to read for free online.

Click to read Cancer Patient

RADIOTHERAPY ANTICIPATED

Your fractions have been charted
But nothing has been scripted for you to say.
How you play this
Will be strictly improvisational.
The big machines will not be bothered
By whatever it is you choose to say.

The silence of the big machines
Looms on my schedule,
Bright with invisible needles.
Here, the technology gets no higher.
We are right
At the cutting edge of the possible.
This is the ultimate casino,
The roulette wheel where the statistics spin
And choose an outcome for that one red chip,
Your one and only:
Your life.

Radiation.
I imagine
A white space and an outcome.
The internal probe.
The deep destroyer.
Energies igniting the brain.
Clinical hellfire
Burning at an air-conditioned temperature.

In the course of the incineration of the cancer
Some part of my intellect
Will burn.
No angels have spoken
But a sacrifice is demanded.
Burnt meat on the alter.
An offering.

Meek in submission,
I will sacrifice
For the chance of a happy outcome.
Not that I believe in happy outcomes.

If you want the honest truth, I think quite possibly
This is Sayonara City.
Nevertheless, here I am,
Scheduled to propitiate a god
Whose oddball sense of humor is a minefield.
A god who gives no refunds,
Who offers no insurance
If you choose to cross the Styx,
Who gives no guarantees.

The actual process, I understand,
Will be credit card painless.
Hiroshima made congenial.
An intrusion
Silent as bankruptcy.
An action
With no audible hammer,
With no banner of outcomes,
The first results a blankness,
A disconnect,
Initially truculent, nonconfessing,
Mute as the uncut wire.

I imagine myself, then,
At the outset.
Committed to the process
But with no real hint of the outcome.

I am not by nature a gambling man, but here I am,
The living lottery ticket,
A set of intelligent genes
Tiptoeing across the cymbals of consequence
Into the mousetrap future.

I imagine the first days.
Some done, much more still to do.
Once the radiation is done,
Two and two will still more
Than three and a half.
I hope.
But the damage will have been done.
And what, then, will remain?
A diminished me?
Or a maimed broccoli,
Masquerading in my underwear
And purporting to own my name.

Copyright © 2005, 2007 Hugh Cook
May be photocopied for classroom use

This cancer poem touches on the subject of radiation therapy. A chapter relating to this subject can be found in the online medical memoir Cancer Patient.

The chapter deals with the prelude to radiotherapy. They don't spring it on you by surprise. There's an induction process, which involves both a lecture and the making of a mask.
Click to read related chapter

Summary of Chapter Thirty-Nine
of Cancer Patient:

The author writes about his thoughts on radiotherapy, that is, on the risks of radiation therapy and his fears about the process. The author supplies a radiotherapy poem.

Click to read

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