This is my cartoon,
My commercial dream,
Additional to my patent application
For the mosquito-eating cat.
This is my big-time roll,
My global breakthrough.
This is a picture of your god.
I have drawn your god as a donut because
If I were to draw your god as an asshole
Then someone might think I was on the verge of some entirely unacceptable insult,
Such as "My dog will enjoy anal intercourse with your god."
(Only less couthly phrased.)
By keeping it down to the custard pie level,
However,
It's just a good yuck.
Don't take offence, fellow,
All I'm going to do is exercising
My right to free speech.
I come into your house,
I spit on your mother's portrait,
I spit in your baby's face,
I vomit into your sacred chalice,
I urinate in your kitchen,
Don't take this the wrong way,
These are just speech acts, okay?
Nothing to get so worked up about.
It's a cartoon, that's all.
And it's only your god.
Nothing important, fellow,
Nothing in the league
Of a flat tire, say,
A splinter in your thumb,
A power outage unexpected at 3 p.m. —
Nothing like that.
If I use your sacred temple
As the public outhouse of my mind,
That's my privilege,
Free man in a free land and proud of it.
Maybe you don't understand my behavior.
Your problem, son,
You don't have free speech.
We do, and we use it.
It's our way of signaling "smarter animal".
Our alertness to the complexities of the world we live in
Teaches us
This is the way to go.
Free speech, no holds barred.
Get the truth out there and show it.
Your god is exactly as I have drawn him, got that?
And why did I choose to bring this truth to your attention?
I have ten specific and irrefutable reasons for drawing your god as a donut.
Let me enumerate them and let you have the details.

1. You have never come sauntering into my living room to turn off my TV.

2. You have never (so far) ever kicked my dog.

3. You, personally, have done me no harm, not ever. We are total strangers, and we have never met. In all probability, we never will.

4. I know less about your culture and religion than I know about ballroom dancing, and, for me, ballroom dancing is a closed book.

5. Left to your own devices, you would get on with your own lives without bugging me.
And how can I make a career out of that?

6. When you look in the mirror, you erroneously think
The face you see is human.

7. There are too many of you. None of you would be more than enough.

8. We are the West.

9. Historically, my ancestors made war on yours.
Rape and slaughter.
Trashed you big time.
Made history.
Blood right up to the bridles of the horses.
Wrote that in our history, proudly.
Kind of fun, first time round.
That, bitch boy, was a blast.
Like to have us swing by and try it again?

10. I believe in free speech, and the perfection of free speech is for me to use your god as my personal toilet.

Ten reasons, then.
But reason ten, free speech,
That's the big one,
The trump.
My editors sign off on it.
And their fellow editors,
Democratic around the world.
Can't have you caterpillars
Keeping your icon sacred,
Not when we're in this mood we're in,
Pissed off,
Not satisfied yet,
Still feeling
The big rumble has not yet come over the horizon.
But we want it,
Want it now,
Don't want to wait.
Your got your sticks and stones and demonstrations?
Bring them on!
You misbehave beyond the limits,
Our neighbors, they got thermonukes.
And me, more pictures where the donut came from.
I believe in free speech.
I believe in the marketplace of ideas,
In robust debate about the issues of
War, peace, power, politics and religion.
As a rule, my religion pays higher salaries than yours does.
Doesn't that tell you something?

Actually, I was lying about your god.
I have not drawn your god as something edible.
At least, I personally wouldn't eat him out,
Though my dog is less fussy than I am.
I have drawn your god as something more useful than a donut.
As a flexible ring,
A one-pop perforation in reality.
A toy for my dog.
This is, after all,
The Year of the Dog,
And my dog is really well-hung.