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Section 11 Entry 0001. Date: 2004 October 16 Saturday.
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I don't want to dwell on the operation. After all, every damned soul in Hell has at least one "this was just so terrible" story, and they tend to pall after a while, don't they? So I won't go into the details. I'll just outline the highlights.
After waving an informed consent form in front of my nostrils, and after interpreting my gagged grunt as an assent (I'd been caught trying to escape from the quarantine hospital, and had been restrained as a consequence) they divided me into four large pieces, using a chainsaw for the purpose.
Then, with a blowtorch, they cauterized various cysts and a couple of unauthorized orifices, then sewed me up with number eight fencing wire and pronounced me cured. I don't know that I am cured, but, anyway, I was far too weak to dissent, and so I didn't protest as they loaded me into a stretcher and discharged me into the tender care of the Executive Training Center, where I'm presently awaiting the instructions which will guide me into the next stage of my life in Hell.
Section 11 Entry 0002. Date: 2004 October 23 Saturday.
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No time to blog. Too busy with my Candidate's Course at the Executive Training Center. We're doing the Baby Challenge Module, the one where they get you to look after a real live baby for periods of time which can stretch out to as long as twenty minutes.
I didn't know that there were babies in Hell, but apparently there are quite a few of them. In their previous lives, they used to be eternal students. I suppose most people don't know that you can go to Hell for wilfully postponing the day of graduation, but you can and many people do.
The thing about the babies is that the piranhas are so fond of them. You allow yourself to be distracted for just a moment and the baby's got another bloody piranha hanging off its toe. Or hanging off the end of its ankle, depending on how badly it's already been chewed.
And every time your baby screams, you earn a demerit point, so you can't give in to the natural temptation, which is just to walk away and let the piranha chew up the baby, smouldering diaper and all.
Damn it! My hair just caught fire! Again ....
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